Earlier this morning I found myself having a conversation with someone who I consider “close” to me. For the sake of argument, this person does have a decent grasp on who I am as a person, my complexities and all. The aforementioned conversation somehow morphed into certain ways I live my life and emotional trends I tend to follow. Let it be known that I am not the girliest of girls when it comes to matters of the heart and all things emotional. I can admit that I am a bit guarded and that my ability to open up is somewhat diminutive, but I have more or less always chalked that up to my blazing independence. Other than my inability to cook a decent meal, I am a very self-sufficient gal. I have never needed a man in my life to make me feel better about myself, nor have I ever let myself mourn the loss of an ended relationship (other than the one infamous ex). I can stand on my own two feet better than most, and my sheer ability to bounce back after something particularly painful has occurred is something I find admirable. Granted, I’m not blind to the fact that my mind has a wonderful way of compartmentalizing anything I find uneasy to think about, and saves it for a time in which I am more able to handle such inner most thoughts, and this act alone might cost me a fortune in therapy down the line, but for now it works.
Two exes have told me on different occasions that I have a “princess mentality”, meaning I expect to be treated a particular way, and when those expectations are not being met, I check out. This is something I will not deny, as there are certain behaviors I require from people in my life – not just boyfriends, but family, friends and co-workers alike. I do demand respect, and you will know when I feel as though I am not getting that respect. I do expect to feel appreciated and wanted, and when I’m not, fuck you – I’ll make damn sure you don’t feel either, also. There are far too many people in my life who not only treat me with total respect (and wouldn’t dream of doing otherwise), but they also never let me feel as though I am unwanted in their life, or not significant. I have friends who would walk the ends of the Earth for me, and I don’t doubt this for a second. Those friends, they also know I would do the very same for them as well.
I live my life by a very easy to remember mantra – “fuck it”!
