I am fiercely independent. It’s a trait I have honed to perfection for survival, not as a want. Knowing I only need myself for any form of happiness comes with plenty of positive benefits, but as is the case with most characteristics, it has some flaws. Relying on myself for everything leads to a feeling of neglect when other people are in my life. More times than not I find it hard to shake the feeling that every human in this world is of utter selfishness and could care less about my own personal well-being, which is exactly why I make it a vital point to be such a strong – and somewhat cold – female.
I never let people know when life is getting a little too difficult to handle the weight of it myself, and therefore it’s nearly impossible for anyone else to realize I may need them. To no fault of their own, I begin to hold this against them, consider them inconsiderate. The wall that I built from the get-go just gets taller and stronger. I push myself into a corner where I hide until I find that inner strength to trudge forward alone, without the assistance of anyone else, thus making that independent side of me somewhat stronger.
I wish allowing someone in my life to be there for me in the truest sense of the word is something I could do, but it’s not the easiest thing to change. I wish I could take some of the weight off of my own shoulders and tell certain people that it would be nice if they could do certain things for me, but alas, I don’t see that ever happening.
No expectations – this is the motto I make for nearly every person in my life. I expect nothing from people, if only because anything I do expect, I do for myself. Anything given to me is just an added bonus, but how much happiness can one person ever really experience if living under such strict conditions?
As the years go by I see myself becoming an empty shell with no emotions. That scares me. A person needs to feel the whole spectrum from happiness to sheer sadness, but what happens when a heart is so strenuously trained to ignore any emotion other than happiness? Can that truly last forever, and if not, what happens when reality catches up to my heart? Will everything I ever worked for in archiving my personal strength and independence crash and burn? Will any hope of a meaningful and spirited relationship be vanished?
These are the thoughts I think of when the sun has yet to rise and I am again by myself. Don’t take pity on me, as I have nobody to blame for these attributes other than myself. For now, I am thankful I am the way I am – it is something I take great pride in, I just worry what will happen when the inevitable other shoe drops.
I can echo quite a lot of what you have said but from a male perspective. I too have analysed till I’m sick of it, as to why I am the way I am.
The fact that you are recognising these traits is surely the right road.
“As the years go by I see myself becoming an empty shell with no emotions.”
These are truly sad sentiments and I do wish you the very best.
bye
you make me crazy..but i still fancy you…