It seems as though a decision needs to be made. I have to either continue down this road I am on, one filled with extreme highs and lows, a road that is uncertain at best, and I road I haven’t been a fan of to begin with, or I can start on a new road. This road would be a road of potential recovery, refinding lost love that got mucked up along the way, but knowing that this new road could very easily come right back to the road I am already on.
Basically, it comes down to this, Matt wants a clean slate. He doesn’t want a “second chance”, because he said he knows he’s not even worthy of one. He wants to do this the “hard way” (his term, not mine), the way that involves earning my trust back, showing me he can easily go back to the guy I fell in love with and that together we can find our way back to the good times. I want to believe him, I want to believe him with a fiery passion, but it’s hard. I terribly miss the Matt that I fell in love with.
He asked what I want from him, if I want him to clean more, do more around the apartment, etc. It’s not even that, I told him, I want him to go back to the guy who was my best friend. The one that would make late night Sheetz runs with me when I was hungry, the guy who would spend time with my parents because he knew how much it meant to me, the guy who when I ask about his day, he tells me more than one word answers such as “good”, “bad”, “quick”, “long”. I want the guy who would sit with me for hours and just talk about everything under the sun, from religion and politics to racing and music. I want the guy back who would happily watch a chick flick movie with me, even if he did fall asleep halfway through it. I want a guy who does more than watch Law and Order or ESPN, I just want those happy days back. I miss when we would leave this state on the drop of a dime, and while I understand that we have more bills to pay than we did during the first two years of our relationship, it is still more than feasible for us to make our infamous impromptu trips to the Baltimore Aquarium, the Philly Zoo, Fenway Park – even if that means we take bus trips instead of driving ourselves.
I asked if I had to change anything about myself to get the old Matt back and all he said is that a dayshift job would help. As much as I am against the idea of me leaving the security and decent pay my current job has to offer, I actually handed in applications today that I had sitting in the spare bedroom. This does not mean I am getting a new job, but if I see him actually making an effort to change as much as he said he will, I’ll see what is out there in terms of a new job and weigh the pros and cons of seriously considering a new employment. I’d be willing to do that for him, for us, but it’s not going to be something I quickly and easily do.
He has a lot of work ahead of him, a lot of personal changes that need to be made. It’s not going to be easy for him and he claims to know this. I have very little faith right now in him and in our relationship, but he swears this month and a half that we were separated, sleeping in different beds while living under the same roof, was enough for him to open his eyes and realize I am the one thing he cannot live without.
I also brought up a touchy subject, the fact that he needs friends. He needs to get out of my hair on occasion, more so than him just going to work. I’ll be a happier person and he’ll be a happier person if he could find some friends to go out with. Also, this way I won’t feel as bad when my friends are calling me and asking me for a Girls Night Out. I don’t like the fact that the only three numbers in his cell phone are his mothers, a local restaurant, and myself. Having people in your life just fills your heart with so much joy, and I see he’s lacking that right now. I know saying this to him was hard to hear, but it needed to be done. I cannot play mother to his emotions any longer, and if he’s going to be a big boy in a big boy relationship, he needs some thicker skin. He needs to know what is bothering me and how I want it to be fixed. I will no longer play the “happy enough” card, it’s time for me to get everything that I deserve in this life. Granted, I feel as though what I really deserve will never fully be mine and maybe I am settling for second best when giving Matt this second chance, but I can’t put my entire life on hold with a single wish that things would go the way I want them to in terms of what it is I really do want. I have to realize that just because I want it, doesn’t mean I am going to get it. So, maybe it is time I take my life into my own hands, mold it the way I want it to go, and hope and pray things work out okay in the end.
Oh, there is so much more to say, but I’ll save it for another day.
There are various things in this post that confuse me. I do not understand the difference between a “clean slate” and a second chance. I believe they are one in the same. To effectuate a second chance you would have to “clean the slate”, so to speak. Think of a student on a chalk board writing math equations. If the student messes up the answer the teacher or student will erase what is up there effectively “cleaning the slate”. That is the best analogy I can think of off the top of my head. The only way to truely get a clean slate with someone is to have the person forget everything that was done in the past. That is impossible without the use of hypnotisim or blunt tramua to the head. There is always going to be that little thing in the back of your head telling you things.
One does not truely change in a month or so. Granted I only know what has been told here. I cannot see how sleeping in seperate beds but living under the same roof is enough to make some realize what they have lost. In order to truely feel what loss is like, one has to experience it. I assume you two talk everyday and see each other everyday which is not being seperated. That is living together on more of a fighting term. If you two still do things together and for each other then you are not seperated.
I hope you find the right path or take a path away from where you are right now in life. Keep all the highs that come from things outside your troubled relationship and leave the lows behind.